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Internet Jokes

Teacher: Don't forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions. Pupil: It's not the questions I have trouble with, it's the answers.

Teacher: What are the four elements? Pupil: Fire, Earth, Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet? Pupil: Well, Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net, I'm in my element.

What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet? Anything you like, they're not listening to you anyway.

Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.

Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? Because they can't stop saving their work.

Why do you think your report should be on the net? Because my marks are all 'E's.

I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes, and my dad's really going to get the hump!

I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!

Since you've discovered the Internet, you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?

So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It's working already.

I never thought that the Internet was very useful, but now I've changed my mind. Let's hope your new one works better then the one you had before.

I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on the internet... Yes - and it's a mammoth task!

I hope you're not one of those pupils who spends all day on the Net and doesn't get any exercise. Oh, no, miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise either.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Exactly five hundred. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers. 49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bul bs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too." 6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!" 3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.

Do you want some help using the Internet, son? No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.

How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.

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