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These latest jokes are so new we haven't even had a chance to put them in a category, but we thought you would be interested in having a quick look at them first. Check here on a regular basis, because we are always adding plenty of new jokes!
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Were do people with 1 leg work? There are 3 dogs in a veterinarian clinic: a Poodle, a Chihuahua, and a Great Dane. The poodle says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but my owners son always sticks his finger in my food while I'm eating. And when he does that...I just got to bite him I don’t know why. And I really hurt him. So there going to put me to sleep today." The two dogs look at the Great Dane, and the Great Dane is like 20 times bigger than them. And they ask," DAMN MAN!!! What are you in here for? You never see Great Danes in the pound." And the Great Dane says," Awwww, you guys wouldn't believe me if I told you." And they said, "JUST TELL US!" So the Great Dane says, "Well usually I'm a pretty good dog, but you see I have like the hottest owner in the world. She’s a beautiful woman with a HOT RACK and SEXY ASS. One day when she got out of the shower, she bent over to get a towel. When she did, I totally lost all self-control. So I mounted her and started GOING AT IT!!!" The two dogs say, "DAMN MAN!!! So they’re going to put you to sleep too huh???” And the Great Dane replies, "HELL NO, I'M JUST HERE TO GET MY NAILS TRIMMED!" "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money." One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb! A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf." Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end! The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order' Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.” We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked. Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?" This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who fucked up your hair?" A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into. He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years. She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totalling $10,000 and three chicken eggs. He asked her, "What are the eggs doing in there?" She said,"Well, I have to admit that I haven't been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe." He thought about it and said, "Well, I guess I can't be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?" She replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them." While making love, a guy says to his wife "Darling, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one." Politically correct women descriptions... She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A. We better get some support or people will think we're nuts. Q. What will Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson both be getting for Christmas? A. Patrick Swayze After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror. This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.' Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’ Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Older Woman: Oh, I see. Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. Traffic Cop: Don't have one? Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.. Older Woman: I can't do that. Traffic Cop: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Traffic Cop: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Traffic Cop: You what!? The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?! Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license quizzically. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner! Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. 2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing." A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away." The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?" The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." It is August in a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 eruo note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor. The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros. The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt. The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100 euros for pigs he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 euro note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients, and lays the 100 euros on the counter. At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his 100 euros back and departs. There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future. The man: "God, how long is a million years?" A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.' A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!" One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...And the intelligence... To cross this river." And *Poof!* God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. Q. Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? A. Because it is below C level. Murphy's Laws of Computing When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. When the going gets tough, upgrade. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.” The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.” The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.” The 13 things that PMS stands for... 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff 13. Potential Murder Suspect A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper." While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked. Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. 'On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.' A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.” Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he
hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom
bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles,
gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does. A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing." This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed." The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!" A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door." So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!" The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?" The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he
would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this
guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the
guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He
heard nothing. A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened. Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was
finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late
husband had been. Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? A. Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..." The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly Squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper. Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long
nose? Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her. A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. Great news for all of us that hate drinking our 8
glasses of water a day! A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.
Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten
luck! What in the world should I do now?" A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the
bar... You know... they have frozen glasses." The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes,
Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know
there's swearing, dirty words and all that...." And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on
a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare
change. Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?" Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. What is foreplay? Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat
when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country
actually eat dogs." The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?" Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!" A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" Valentines Sentiments After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin
Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a
letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the
game". A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!!!!" A hip young man goes out and buys the best car
available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It is the best and most expensive car
in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin
and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both
looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over
the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got
there, sonny?" A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation. Some of the lesser known, new phobias... "Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia "Get that fucking vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia "He's coming straight for us -- with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia "You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia "No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia "No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia "Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia "You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" ~ Rentanotherpornophobia Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street. 3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a
tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Can you imagine working for a company that has a
little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called
out, "My son's choking! He
swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!'' A mother took her little boy to church. While in
church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to
the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to
'whisper.'" Young man asked an old rich man how he made his
money. Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and
went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
A young woman was pulled over in Nashville,
Tennessee for speeding.
As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open
his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to
the Tennessee State Police Ball." In Lakewood, a Tennessee State Trooper was running
radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
any. A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On
the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so
he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?" There was this little boy that read an article one day. It was about this man holding a world record of holding poop in his hand for the longest time (25 years). So the boy decided that he was going to poop in his hand. So the boy went off to school the next day, with
the poop in his hand. The teacher noticed that he kept his hand closed,
so she told the boy to open her hand. Q. What is the difference between growing old and
growing up? Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force
and the United States' Air Force? There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!" A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat
opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in
his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house." A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said. A stupid man was walking briskly when he met another equally "intelligent" fellow. The former was carrying a basket with a dozen eggs. He said to the latter, "Tell me what is in this basket and I'll give you six eggs, and tell me how many they are and I'll give all the dozen eggs." The latter said, "Please give some more hints!" Wife: There's something preying on my mind. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" Sex is like poker... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand. Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing
that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the
USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the
Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA
has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat
opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in
his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad,
"Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate," "Got anything to eat, lady?" asked the tramp. Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph
Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive
Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale
and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the
window right now and make someone very happy." A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
and he said to her, The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are: Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. All my love, There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not
to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying
south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the
big deal, anyway?" The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the
national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect
themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray. I went into the Shell gas station this morning and
asked for five dollars worth of gas. A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job." This test only has one question, but it's a very
important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your
answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly
and give due consideration to each line. Hillbillies Clem and Maisy Sue get married, then head to the 'community honeymoon shack' up in the holler for the marriage consummating. Along about 11 that night Clem comes shuffling back down the holler and walks into his Ma and Pa's abode. "What you doin' back so soon, boy?" his Pa asks. "Well, Pa, it's this way" Clem starts out, "Maisy Sue and me, we cain't stay married." "And why's thet?" "Well, Pa, yeh see, Maisy Sue, she's a virgin!" To which his father replies "You did good, boy. If she ain't good enuff fer her own kind, she ain't good enuff fer you." A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says "What are you staring at you never did anything crazy in your life". The old man turns and says "Sure have... I had sex with a peacock years back and I'm wondering if you're my son". Who says males can't be pregnant? I'm a male and pregnant with a baby elephant, the trunk's already hangin' out!" There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says " That's the fat pig I've been sleeping with when I'm not sleeping with you." His wife gets a confused look on her face and states " but honey that's not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says " Shut up pig I'm talking to the sheep!" Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?" Wife: "Is that what I do?" "You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife. "Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?" Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde
hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a
wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not
even down there." Q. What do you call a dear without any eyes? A. No eye dear! A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!" The only thing stopping your momma from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame. This could be considered THE ideal world for many
men: An English teacher was explaining to his students
the concept of gender association in the English language. What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18
, 28, 38 and 48? December 1 "Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are
having sex?" Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"... "No, I'm still alive." A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again. The "Tickle me Elmo" factory just got a new employee. One day two guys go to the boss and complain about the new worker. So the boss goes to see the lady and they find her with a lot of Elmo's and a big bag of marbles and some red fabric. The lady is carefully putting two marbles in a piece of red fabric and then sewing that between Elmo's legs. The boss starts laughing and says, "I told you to give Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!" I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted. Yo momma so fat we had to hire a RODEO CLOWN to bring in the grocers! Q. Why couldn't the G-unit member get on the bus? While making love, he says: Two friends: A little boy asked his mother: One man calls emergency: Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A. In case he got a hole in one. Ironic Celebrity Deaths... Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." Q. How much will a pirate pay to get his ears
pierced? Q. Why do you never see chicken in underwear? You're so stupid you missed your bus number 44 so you rode bus 22 twice A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt
and was not noticeable at all. An atheist went to the governor's office to ask about holidays. His complaint was that why does everyone else have a holiday. For example, Christians have Easter and Christmas. The Jewish Have Yom Kippur, etc. The Governor replied "You really want a holiday just for atheists?", "Yes, absolutely!" was his answer. The Governor replies, "Ok, your holiday will be on April 1st". In the convent a young nun went to see the mother
superior. A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left... A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony trial: A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for
a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview. A young man asked an old rich man how he made his
money. On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his
sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove
in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology. An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and
goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little
prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit
across the bed. Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!" A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign
in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into
the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over
the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river. Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange. Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' " A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A
few days later he received a parcel with the following note. Dear Sir, A person walks up to a man on the street and begins to ask him questions... How many eyes does a rooster have? Dear Doctor, SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS He who runs behind a car is exhausted. He who stands on the toilet is high on pot. Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?" A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie
Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You
are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Old McDonald sittin' on a bench, There are a lot of people who can't understand how
we ran out of oil here in the USA. On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me
everywhere..." Women's T-shirts 1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. A photographer for a national magazine was assigned
to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane
would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the
airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane
was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The
tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and
soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north
side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level
passes." Fresh out of business school, the young man answered
a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need
someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking
for someone to do my worrying for me." A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company." A strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After
several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where
your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul
something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able
to wheel back." Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!" This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button
fell off. Q. How did they know ET was a Rangers fan? You might be a red neck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. This guy walks into a butcher and asks, "Can I have those from the top shelf please". The butcher replies, "Sorry, the steaks are too high." Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms" A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he
hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he
takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to
the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied. How To Wash The Cat A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through
each day, so he prayed :- The Short History of Medicine Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny. Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how." Three sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our
mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third
smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the
church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Peter: "What would you like to do today?" Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" Have you read the book... 1. Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont,
Andy Didnt A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands." City Boy: Say, Dad, how many types of
milk are there? Perspective on the necessity of computers in daily life... An unemployed man goes to try for a job
with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude
test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager
says: You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your
e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you
where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the unemployed
man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an
e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really
means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
employed. Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only
having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 kg box of tomatoes at the
supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at
100% profit. Repeating the process This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all of that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer. It is definitely the most annoying day of the year. This day needs to get the hell over with and pass. Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass. I'll spend the day so drunk that I just can't speak. And wear only black for the rest of the week. Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade. For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit. Because I think love is a big crock of shit. So here is my story...what else can I say? Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day! When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. "My god! What happened to you?" the
bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. Hello, is this the FBI?" Q. How many women with PMS does it take
to screw in a light bulb? When Bill Gates was a young lad he had a pet crow. He tried teaching the bird to speak, introducing a new word each day. To his disappointment his black friend would not utter a sound, until finally one day the bird jumped up on his perch and blurted "Bill Gates, you will be the richest man in the world some day!" Bill was totally astonished. He needed to hear more, but the bird would not say another word. Bill decided to seek professional help. He went to see a Gypsy tea reader. The old lady looked into the tea leaves and exclaimed, "yes Bill Gates you will be the richest man in the world if you do this one simple thing!" Bill could hardly contain himself as he ran home. The next morning as Bill's mother came down for breakfast she found Bill cooking something on the stove. " What are you doing, young man?" she asked. "Well Mother, remember what Blackie told me the other day?" "Yes Bill, but what are you cooking?" "Well," said Bill, "I went to see the Gypsy tea reader and she confirmed what the bird told me!" "Wow, that's great!" said his mother, "But what is in the pot?" "Well, the gypsy lady told me that I needed to do one small thing to get my wealth!" "Yes Bill but why are you cooking?" "Well.... She told me I had to make MY CROW SOFT!!!!!!!!!"
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