A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the
Dear friends, it is with the
saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing!
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie
section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her,
"No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of
the aisles left to go through - don't be
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is
stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter
fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and
I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says
the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets
out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
One day, all the human body parts started
arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top
because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach
said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest
and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I
should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top
because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B.
Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well,
without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow
circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was
beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I
can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the
digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone
was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's
it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''
Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new
a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since
the elevator wasn't yet installed. So they had to take up the furniture
through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the
end of the day, they managed to complete the task. Mrs. Bradley wanted to
do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr.
Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the
stairway from the 11th. floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.