So, how do you tell if your throwing a
successful, kick-ass, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to
Festivity Level One
Your guests are sitting around chatting,
nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring
your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing
Festivity Level Two
Your guests are talking loudly,
occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food,
gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and
sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."
Festivity Level Three
Your guests are holding conversations with
inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down
Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the
words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".
Festivity Level Four
Your guests, food smeared across their
naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in
some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your
home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your
parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party
success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do
arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone.
If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that
it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully
handle this situation.
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."
You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the
Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't
any guns or drugs here, heh heh."
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did
Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago.
The recent complaints have come from Kansas."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane
symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and
the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree.
Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]
You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."