Stock Market News

"Helium was up"

"Feathers were down"

"Beef steered into a bull market"

"Paper was stationary"

"Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading"

"Pencils lost a few points"

"Hiking equipment was trailing"

"Elevators rose"

"Escalators continued their slow decline"

"Weights were up in heavy trading"

"Light switches were off"

"Mining equipment hit rock bottom"

"Shipping lines stayed at an even keel"

"The market for raisins dried up"

"Coca Cola fizzled"

"Caterpillar stock inched up a bit"

"Balloon prices were inflated"

"Scott Tissue touched a new bottom"

"Knives were up sharply"

"Sun stocks peaked at midday"

...and the best one...

"Diapers remain unchanged"