Religious Jokes V

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

Q. What did the Roman soldiers say to Christ as they were nailing him to the cross?
A. Cross your legs we only have one nail left"

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for 7 years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first 7 years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were "too cold". The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".

The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit". Good they said, "all you have done is complain."

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just can't reach. After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boy's position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the urchin replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.

Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again,

"Peter... Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross.

Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter... I can see your house from here!"

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to! you?" The Lord replies, "A penny.
"Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

A priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one day. To kill the time they started a conversation on natural occurrences. They chose to debate about wind. The scientist said that winds were the result of thermal convection. The astronaut said that they were made by the planet's rotation. The priest said that storms were god's way of cleansing the earth. The plumber only knew that the wind always blew when he played golf. They played through 17 holes, arguing furiously. Just as they teed up at the 18th, everything became calm. Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches above their heads. The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it because they didn't believe in the supernatural. The priest knelt down and prayed in fear. Only the plumber stood up. Suddenly a voice boomed down "If you want the answer, pull my finger". The plumber did, and a mighty wind blew.

Three guys die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them "whatever you do, don't step on a pink cloud". The first guy goes off wandering. when he comes back, he's accompanied by one of the ugliest women you've ever seen. "What happened to you?" asked the other two. "I stepped on a pink cloud" he replied. The second guy goes off wandering and comes back with an even uglier girl. "what happened to you" they asked. "I stepped on a pink cloud." The last guy goes off wandering and comes back with the most beautiful woman any of them have ever seen. "What happened" they asked. the woman responded "I stepped on a pink cloud".

One day, Sally visited her local church. She walked into the confessional and sat down. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned!" The priest opened a latch and spoke, "tell me of your sins, and I shall cleanse your soul". "Well, last night, I visited my boyfriend, Harry. I went to his house. After a while, we went into his room... forgive me father" The priest sat quietly for a few seconds. "Hmm, then you shall sit in your room each night, and not talk to Harry."

"Oh, but Father, that's not all. After a while, he started to kiss me, and slowly crept his hands all over my body... forgive me father." Once again, the Priest paused, but this time for longer.

"When you sit in your room, you shall tie your hands behind your back."

"But Father, that's not all. After a while. he had taken off my clothes, leaving me naked on his bed... forgive me Father." Once again, the Priest sat quietly, this time moaning a bit. "Then he began to take his clothes off. He pulled out his 'equipment' and said that it was the only thing I had to do before I left his room... forgive me Father." The priest was now moaning and breathing heavily, saying "Don't stop!" "Well, Father. We had sex, and i am underage. what can i do to cleanse my soul?" The priest sat, thinking for many minutes. Finally, after thinking and finishing what he was doing, he answered. "I have just communed with God, the only way to cleanse yourself now is to do exactly the same thing with me, repeat the whole night!" Sally was very glad. "Oh Father, when must we do this deed?" "Now, Sally, here and Now, in my booth, for if we wait any longer, we cannot cleanse your soul."

After a long time, Sally left Father's booth. "Oh Father, that was better than last night! Oh Father!!!!"

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

Jesus walks towards the gates of Heaven, quietly whistling for himself. St. Peter raises his eyes from the books and shouts: "You! Hey, you! Where do you think you're going?"

"Err ... St. Peter? You don't recognize me? Why I'm Jesus! I'm on my way to see my father!"

"Jesus, Schmesus!" says St. Peter. "Come on, boy, surely you can come up with something better than that. How do you expect me to believe you are Jesus? Go away, you're wasting my time".

"But Peter! We've gone a long way together! It's me, Jesus! You have to remember me!"

"You? Jesus? You make me laugh. Jesus - with that beard? And those dirty clothes? Hah. No way you'll get past me pretending you're Jesus".

Depressed, Jesus turns around and begins to slowly walk away. After a couple of seconds, St. Peter says: "Hey, Jesus."

"Yes?"

"Smile. You're on Candid Camera!"