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Men Jokes



Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds g reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type.

What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.

Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.

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