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Los Alamos Secured Category

Los Alamos Secured

The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in where top secret information has been misplaced or stolen.

Top attempts to tighten security at the Los Alamos lab include...

18. Ask Napster to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download share list.

17. All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.

16. All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable "Ig-pay Atin-lay" format.

15. Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.

14. "Accidental" radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.

13. Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.

12. Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the "15th foreign national who calls right now!"

11. Janitors Boris and Mao swear that "Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!"

10. Immediately suspend "you break it, you bought it" policy on hard drives.

9. Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.

8. All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!

7. a) "Accidentally" leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler. b) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.

6. Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.

5. Visitors answering the guard's challenge with "Foe" now required to sign guest book before entry.

4. Security guards limited to one "WHAAZZZUUP!" walkie-talkie conversation per hour.

3. Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.

2. "Shave and a Haircut" knock replaced with more secure "My Sharona" knock.

1. From now on, all security guards must pass the new "Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground" test.

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