Lawyer Jokes I
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two
tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear
suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one
in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out,
alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their
A local United Way office realized that the
organization had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to
persuade him to contribute.
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A man was chosen for jury duty who really
wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could
think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he
decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin,
he asked if he could approach the bench.
For three years, the young attorney had been
taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
A lawyer defending a man accused
of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely
inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his
A grade school teacher was asking
students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and
said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said,
"My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and
said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
A guy phones a law firm and says,
"I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says,
"I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day
the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to
lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry,
but your lawyer died last week."
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of
hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and
asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an
hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and
discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three
possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in
an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who
never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third
donor is an
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
In heaven, the angels asked god where he would spend
his next holiday.
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural
Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field
on the other side of a fence.
Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats
in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this:
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal
torment by the devil.
One day Saint Peter and Lucifer were having a
problem with their boundaries. The following was their dialogue:
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
A redneck, a preacher, and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer said, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?" The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama. I can take it." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?" The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me." An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On
the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in
heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange
it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."