These are the unwritten rules from the highly
over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an
Internet service provider near you...
1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you
can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over
me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are
going to fucking answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You
called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line
and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you
anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me
unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a
50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything
in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy
today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so
we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start
answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally
fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it
like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate
details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of
the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer
browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who
made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't
stress that one enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your
connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old
with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects
just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on
the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so
you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not
only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of
user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through
setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab
chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and
then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help
you. We aren't technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our
fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives
you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with
the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything
about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well
aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and
announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who
know computers don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and
that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This
pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and
comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to
use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some
damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms
you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin
your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like
a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try
and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word
you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or
'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you
something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you
your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to
simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked.
That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going
to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think
this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up.
For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least
have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.
 
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