Funny Quips

Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.

When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.

How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.

My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.

It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.

During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.

Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.

My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!

The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.

Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?

Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.

If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.

The president will succeed where his father and Ronald Reagan failed.
He WILL make government smaller. He's going to bankrupt it!

I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.

An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.