Dirty Jokes XV
Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know
what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I
turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the
engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go
into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late!"
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies� The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn�t handle it anymore so they buried her.
An old man was laying on his death bed. With
only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip
cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the
old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the
stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing,
" said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have
to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my
constipation. It's terrible".
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."
Three guys were on a trip to
Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with
over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the
women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all
these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men
must pay for what you have done today.
A wealthy couple prepared to go
out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler,
Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late,
and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a
good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband
stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked
into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She
called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
A trumpeter is hired to play two
solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and
promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is
released to the public.
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who
are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in
and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other,
"Man, have you got anything to drink?"
A man with a stuttering problem
tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally,
he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him
and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches
long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to
stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?".
To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6
inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his
stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and
he stops stuttering.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't
like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods,
and they came across a golden frog.
What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."