Dirty Jokes X

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags..those are your boobs." All she had to say was.."Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

One day a farmer goes into town to see a vet to see if how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if there standing up in the morning there not pregnant, but if there rolling in the mud they are. So the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick-up and takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all once. Then he takes them home and unloads them in there pin. Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed. The next morning he gets up and checks on the pigs and there standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all twice. Then goes home, quickly unloads them in there pin, and goes right to bed. The next morning, very tired, the farmer gets up to check on his pigs, but they are still standing. Again, he loads them in the truck, takes them to the woods, and fucks them three times. Then he takes them home, unloads them, and goes straight to bed. The next morning the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. He tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. His wife replies neither, they're all in the back of the truck, and ones laying on the horn.

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"
So her friend asks: "What�s a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"
So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his  erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."