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Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.

Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.

Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.

Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.

Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.

Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbor's.

Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.

Argument: Something that gets better when you don't have facts.

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.

Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.

Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever.

Backbiter: A mosquito.

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.

Bargain: Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.

Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.

Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.

Budget: What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.

Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.

Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

Business: Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.

Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom

Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.

Chef: An interior decorator.

Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.

Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.

Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.

Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.

Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.

Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.

Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.

Conference: A long coffee break.

Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.

Conscience: A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.

Contortionist: The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.

Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.

Cow: A machine that makes it possible for people to eat grass.

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Croquet: Chess with sweat.

Deficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.

Diamond: A piece of coal that made good under pressure.

Diet: A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.

Diplomat: A rabbit in a silk hat.

Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.

Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.

Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.

Etiquette: Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.

Executive: One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right.

Experience: What you get while looking for something else.

Expert: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.

Flattery: An insult in gift wrapping.

Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Gentility: What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.

Golf: Cow pasture pool.

Gruesome: A little taller than before.

Guitar: A hillbilly harp.

Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.

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