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Bible Jokes

A little boy opened the huge, old family Bible with fascination, looking at the pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. Momma, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, It's Adam's suit!!

Yo mamma is so old, she reads the bible and reminises.

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible. How are we supposed to deal with them? The Pastor responded, There are no such things. Give me an example of what you are talking about. The woman replied, PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought about it and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer. The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible. The Pastor answered, Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!

The five most constipated people in the Bible: 1. Cain-who wasn't able. 2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years. 3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move. 4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains. 5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, and wrote out on the back 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. Revelation 3:20'. The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. Genesis 3:10.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father said to him, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it. After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut! The young man waited a moment and replied, You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.... To which his father replied, Yes, you're right. And they also WALKED every where they went!

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was this: If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman. If he takes the bible, he will be a priest. But if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard. So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flipped through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... Our son is going to be a politician!

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, Man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. The rainbow as the arc of the covenant. The Holy Family is a threesome, the Round John Virgin, mother and child.

Letter to the Railroad: To Whom It May Concern, I have been riding the train everyday for the past five years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse and worse. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 18-mile journey. I think the transportation system is in worse shape now than it was 2,000 years ago! Yours truly, A Commuter. Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat mistaken in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad. Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are misunderstanding your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, kind sirs, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last five years. Your truly, A Commuter.

It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men. Woman was made from a rib, and everyone knows the rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'".

A real newspaper headline read: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8 - Bible church's focus is the Bible.

Little girl's letter to God: Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Little boy's letter to God: Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. They are cramming for their finals!

A lady comes up to a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two female parrots that talk, but they only say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'". "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two talking male parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." So the next day, the woman takes her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, 'Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?'. One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, 'PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!'

Bible Bloopers: The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles. Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 condiments. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opposums was St. Matthew. Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Women are NEVER wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, it's there in the bible. Hmmm.who was it that gave Adam the apple?

College students version of the Bible: Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, so it looks like ten. The forbidden fruit would not have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs, Finals (not the Plains of Armageddon). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a bunch of Freshman. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

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