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Awful Limericks Category

Awful Limericks

There once was a man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.


There once was a man from Kubot
who lived off of toe jam and snot,
when he had none of these,
he lived off the cheese,
from the tip of his grungy old cock.


There once was a man from Kent,
whose cock was so long it bent,
to save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of cumming he went.


There once was a man from Nantucket,
whose cock was so long he could suck it,
while licking his chin,
he said with a grin,
if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.


Little Willie Winkle
with a thirst for gore
stapled his sister to the door,
"Now Willie", his mother said with humor quaint,
"Don't do that, you'll scratch the paint"


There once was a man named Ken
who banged a girl in his den,
he knew something's wrong
when a wart grew on his shlong
and now he's in his den with Ben.


There once was a woman from Timbuktu
who was still a virgin at twenty two
till her boyfriend came along
and pumped her all night long
now she's at home with a baby named lulu.


There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked,
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.


There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22


There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he cried "I don't give a fuck"
and walked around looking like a dork.


There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"


There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass


There once was a security guard
Who had some troubles keeping it hard
He jerked it off nightly
And squeezed it tightly
while looking at his identification card.


There once was a man from Peru
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo


Gorgey Porgey puddin and Pie.
Jerked off in his girlfriends eye.
When her eye was good and shut,
Gorgey Fucked that one eyed slut.


I once knew a person named Burl
Whose looks would make you hurl
why do I say it?
I'm not full of shit
this thing was half boy and half girl.


There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.


There was an old lady from Wheeling,
who had a funny feeling
she laid on her back,
and tickled her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling


There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man
He wore a dress and high heels
And drove a Chevrolet with pink wheels
And soon Stan became a tran


There once was a man from Monclair
Who screwed his wife on the stair,
The banister broke,
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air.


There once was this guy named Gored
Whose girlfriend was as flat as a board
He'd suck as hard as he could
And pulled them more then he should
But soon even Gored got bored.


Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!


A sexy young maiden named Jill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil


There once was a man from St.Paul
Who swore he had but one ball
Two dirty young bitches
Tore down his breeches
And found he had none at all.


There was a young man from St. Rose,
Whose love life was so full of woes,
He loved sixty-nine,
He'd do it all the time,
But always got shit on his nose.


There was an old hag named Van Cleef,
Who was constantly passing a queef.
One day while visiting the farm,
She passed one meaning no harm,
But killed the whole herd of beef.


There once was a man named Lou
Whose cum shots grew and grew
By the time they were done
He was having no fun
Because the world was covered with goo!


There once was a man from Moline
who made a jack off machine
at thirty-two strokes
the cock sucker broke
and turned his balls into cream!


There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.


A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
So open your mouth
Close your eyes and
Give your tongue some exercise!


There was a young lady from wheeling
Bereft of all sexual feeling
But when a young man named Boris
patiently licked her clitoris
she had to be scraped off the ceiling.


There was a young man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added Vermouth
And gave his girlfriend a martini!


There once was a man from Calcutta.
He jerked off in a gutter.
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
And instead of cream he got butter.


A peach is a peach
a plum is a plum,
a kiss ain't a kiss without a little tough,
so open your mouth and close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise.


There once was a man from Lenore
Whose mouth was wide as a door.
While attempting to grin,
He slipped and fell in,
And he laid inside out on the floor!


I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

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