Assumption Jokes

People can be quick, sometimes too quick, to answer a question they think they know the answer to...

Q. Is there a Fourth of July in England?
A. Yes, it comes after the third of July!

Q. How many birthdays does the average man have?
A. 1 Just one!

Q. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
A. 12, all of them!

Q. How many outs are there in an inning?
A. 6, three per side!

Q. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
A. No - because he is dead!

Q. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
A. 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60! Takes some thinking.....

Q. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
A. 2, you took them, remember?

Q. If a doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour, how many minutes would the pills last?
A. 60 - Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

Q. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
A. Nine!

Q. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
A. Zero, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

Q. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
A. Twelve, there are 12 two cent stamps in a dozen!

Q. How far can a dog run into the woods?
A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!

Q. Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?
A. Neither a pound of bricks weighs the same as a pound of feathers!

Q. A rooster sits on the VERY TOP of a barn roof. If he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?
A. Roosters don't lay eggs.

Q. You have a match and you go into a house and there is an oil lamp a stove and a fire place all ready to be started... what do you light first?
A. The Match!

Q. I have two US coins that have total value of 55 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?
A. The one that is not a nickel is a half dollar. The other coin is a nickel.